dib's wonderfully doomed life
by backwoods mountain lion
Summary: his life just started to become normal when his life threw him threw a loop and sent to him someone he thought was long gone ( this is my first and probably last story given my time constraints so if there is no updates for a few months I ask that someone take this story and make it their own) also I am quite aware of my lack of writing skills.


The hell? What is this about? Dib said staring at a green letter. He walked into his house setting his mail down still staring at this peculiar letter that had nothing on it but a simple hello on the side.

(Dib's pov)

Well here goes nothing I hope this isn't any sort of plan or prank from zim. Opening the letter dib sat down and started reading;

Dear dib membrane,

Welcome back, my name is Janis and I sent this letter of invitation to you for a house warming party at my house three houses down from yours and is going on at 7 pm on Saturday, I hope to see you there

-Janis

Well that's a relief it's just an invitation from a very excited home owner, phew. Well on to new matters let's see I just got moved in and the last of my stuff unpacked yesterday even though it's not much, but still, my new custom car is being built just in case zim tries anything to me and I need to live in it for a while even though he rarely has plans anymore because of marrying gaz does not mean he still doesn't try to cause havoc to me or those he hates, and tomorrow I need to buy food and contact that woman to decline her invitation.

Author's pov,

Dib sat down and started an old recorded rerun of mysterious mysteries and started to think about where he life took him after high school, he went straight to college after finally realizing zim's plans just ended up imploding on themselves, during his time at college Zim became bored of just sitting around and decided it best to bother Gaz for entertainment which ended up with them finally getting married a year later. Dib shook his head and chuckled those two make a great pair together though he learned to hate it at thanksgiving because every year his head gets shoved in the turkey because of zim (damn turkey launcher).

After his four years of turkey launcher incidents… ahem, I mean college for advanced electronics and engineering he moved back alone again for he just can't seem to keep his mind off the one he met in elementary school, Tak. Dib sighed, he missed her even though she almost enslaved earth, she gave him some light in a time of his life where he almost started believing those around him that he was truly crazy, well dib said, I guess it is for the best she must hate me anyway for ruining her plans but whatever the past is the past. Dib stopped and looked at the clock which read 12:02 and decided it was time for bed because tomorrow is going to be a long day. He was right because tomorrow his life may change for the better.

ZIM's pov

Damn life is good and so is the now new and improved turkey launcher, he he this thanksgiving is going to be a fun one. What are you watching? Asked gaz, huh? Oh nothing to interesting just gir chasing a squirrel. Oh? So have you heard from my brother yet he said he will be moving in today? Asked gaz. No Zim has heard nothing from your brother but zim is sure he will call tomorrow. Okay. So did you finish the repairs on the irk communication link? Asked gaz, yep zim did about a few hours ago though I don't need it after all zim's ex leaders are total dipshits and my race also mostly falls into that category. Yeah but we still need it to make sure they stay their appropriate distance from here, said gaz, yeah there is that but still useless.

ALERT INCOMING CALL FROM MASSIVE, TALLEST SECTOR 3012

WHAT!? Why in the stinky hell of the shadow pigs toilet are they calling? I have no clue zim, maybe we should answer it? Said gaz, well five I guess zim is bored a bit bored tonight.

TALLEST pov

What should we tell him red? This could get awkward. Well purple I guess the quick and easy truth and pretend we never called that nuisance. This plan may work, okay red if you need me I'll be in the donut room.

CALL CONNECTION ESTABLISHED

Hello zim, how are you doing today? Really red after 8 years you finally call zim? What do you want? Another human life time supply of waffle donuts? Said zim. No zim I have some pertinent information for you and a new mission should you chose to take it. Though more donuts would be nice.

Well red, what is this information and mission? and I will send those donuts if you promise me you will never come to earth, said zim. DEAL! and your mission is to house a few irkens unfit for our society, _sir we have only one to leave the other two were sent out the airlock,_ sorry one irken to house and you know her very well and well biologically she is your sister.

Zim's pov

WHAT!? Zim does not have a sister other than tenn nor will he except this dumb mission. then the deal is off, said red. SMACK! Ouch gaz what the hell? ARE YOU AN IDIOT? tallest red I presume? Asked gaz. Yes who are you? I am zim's wife and behalf of him I except this mission on the deal of sending out donuts for you staying away. Said gaz. Really zim? You married a human? Asked red. Yes and it was the best decision of zim's LIFE. OKAY okay calm down there zim, human gaz, I will accept this deal of yours and zim's but one more thing is you must never call us, we will call you. Said red

Gaz's pov

Okay bye, " _click' CALL ENDED._ What did you DO? Asked zim. Saved our asses zim and we can just force the irken on my brother so it's fine after all he no longer is into dissecting anything after the frog incident in school ten years ago, that was pretty funny he he but fine zim agrees it is for the best zim said, COMPUTER? _Yes mistress?_ Call gir and order the ingredients for forty thousand waffle donuts _of course mistress._ Come on zim time for bed, YES MAM! Said zim

Author's pov

The next morning dib woke up to a very odd scene in his front yard, a dancing gir surrounded by twenty or more bystanders and half his lawn covered in some sort of batter, well dib said, it could be worse but let's get gir out of here so he will stop destroying things, my day is already long enough.

Dib's pov

GIR what are you doing?, _dancin' like a chicken, big headed boy._ I see that and MY HEAD IS NORMAL Size-.. oh what's the point, why are you here? _To give you an exploding message, here you go, bye dib._ Exploding message? Damn well let's see if this explosion clears out this crowd _'click' message active play? 'click' message playing._ DIB-HUMAN, we require your assistance you are going to be housing an irken female for a few days "ooph' okay sorry a few years to life alright bye. Oh okay? What just happened? Wait irken female? MUTHA-FUCKING GODDAMNIT ZIM! _Message self-destruct initiated, have a good day,_ Oh crap.

I think I should just get my day back on track and that exploding message turned out to implode instead so my lawn mess got sucked into the vortex so that's cleaned, one good thing to come of this I guess. But I really should talk with those two later I mean COME ON housing an irken in my house and a female at that that will not go well at all doesn't zim know his species and their mating habits? This is going to get bad really quick considering I have nothing to give her to keep her occupied. So it will be a ticking time bomb but the good thing is that should only be a problem only one time a month so all I will have to do is cleanse the house three days prior and leave so none of my scent is left behind

a-pov

dib left his house thinking of ways to quell this problem ranging from surgery to remove his scent glands to wearing an airfreshener as a necklace and thinking exactly what sets that part of them off makes him shudder in disgust a bit for as he read the database of irken biology it said an irken female can and will mate with any male who they consider attractive and able to create strong offspring which in context sounds a lot like us in a nutshell, but it differs greatly after that for all irken females defective or non stay with the one she mated with for life and only mates once a month after the first time mating, the irken female who is defective relies on scent for her mate of choice and only can go into a sort of "heat" to find said male once a month though that "heat" is quelled if given duties to distract them from it.

Dib walked on thinking about this information wondering "how his life can get much weirder".

Dib's pov

Well I got everything my rebuilt armored car, food, and furniture now to head over to zim and gaz's and metaphorically shove my size 14 boot up their butts.

Okay zim's house, huh it hasn't changed much the bathroom front door has been replaced by an actual front door and the lawn gnomes are gone but other than that it's the same, "KNOCK, KNOCK" ZIM I KNOW YOUR IN THERE OPEN UP SO THAT I MAY KICK YOUR BUTT!

Zim's pov

Damn and there goes another perfect experiment "thanks dib", HOLD ON HUMAN ZIM IS COMING ALREADY! WHAT? Zim now before you die can you tell me WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Forcing me to house an irken female in my house do you know what kind of ticking time bomb that might make? Asked dib, oh yes dib, zim knew but I did not make those arrangements your sister did what? Dib said. Your sister dib, forced me into a deal with the tallest of taking in a defective irken female to keep your filthy planet safe so be happy you got what you wanted you just have to put up with the arrangement until she learns the planet. SO if you will leave zim alone lest I turn your big head into a cannonball.

Dib's pov

MY HEAD ISN'T… it's not big zim and if I'm being forced into this, planet saving as it is I will need help keeping her from trying to mate with me because you do remember when you sister tenn visited right? She said for me to be careful because of my scent being that of an irken male which is as weird as it is not good. Yes zim will help, here put this on it will help but other than that zim can't help for there is not much I can do said zim as he handed him a tree car airfreshener. Really? This is everything? Yep but also be sure to evacuate and lock her in the house 3 days prior to um… it and you should be fine as long as you wait 2 days after… it to return said zim.

Okay zim I guess thank you and do you have any more info on my new surprise member house-mate? (wrong choice of words but whatever)dib thought. Yes she is my biological sister from my mother unit's side and you have met her before apparently other than that zim has no clue but my gaz knows more said zim. Now get out and get ready she arrives in a few days by dib.

Well at least I now know that I'm in for a rough first year here, but zim's right I need to get ready for her arrival and hopefully find something for her to do while she is here.

No ones -pov

Meanwhile in space…

Well mimi I guess it's time to say hi again to my little brother hopefully without the large headache this time around

Dib's pov,

I woke up later than usual in a cold sweat dreaming about that "last" day tak was here and her almost success at her take over, and even if I forgave her in middle school for my realization that she never cared about taking over earth just zim's supposed mission, I still can't help but feel burned by her lies. I shake my head and think what is the use of thinking about her anymore it will only end up in my pile of things that depress me more. I get up, get dressed, and started to eat breakfast only to be interrupted by a knock on the door. "WHAM" opening a door half awake with a leaded fist on the other side always tends to cause you to wake up immediately and hurt A LOT.

DIB! Zim told me you came to the house last night why did you not call me yesterday and what is this I hear about a problem with our planet saving "deal"? asked gaz. Ow, gaz look I forgot and two my problem with your "DEAL" is stemming from this (let me see which notebook was it) here. Read this when your are done come get me because right now I need an icepack and food.

Gaz's pov

Okay then, let's see irken mating information? This is the problem dib, really? Okay let's see female blah blah blah defective irkens rely on scent for blah blah blah… oh, well my brother is screwed quite literally. Whatever it does not matter he's been alone to long as it is and being accidental matchmaker for him is just one of my sisterly duties at least for my family it is. I get up put the note book back and find div in the kitchen, hey dib, I read over your issue and I have a perfect solution to your "scent" issue. Okay? Asked dib? Get over it and if it happens it happens just know this I share that issue that's why I'm with zim so get over yourself and be happy for once. _sigh,_ fine gaz I guess your right but I will try to at least make sure I'm comfortable with her before I let "it" happen, said dib. I'm sure that will not be a problem dib not an problem what-so-ever.

N pov

Alright mimi almost there we should be landing soon so be sure to hold on tight this ship is very old and my cause a very uncomfortable entry into the surface. See you soon zim and this time I'm taking what is truly mine. Muhahahaha.

Dib's pov

Damn two days passes quick when your preparing and entire house for an alien to live with you, I now have twelve different computer systems set up all the games one could ever want to play on them, a complete lab for any sort of experiments she may need to conduct, and a fully functioning irken water supply system and irken bathroom. Also a few other few odds and ends a pac charger and tools and food.

I sit down thinking about gaz said two days ago, she was correct in a way I guess but I can't help but figure she knows more about this irken than even zim does but whatever my house-mate will be here any minute and I best put on my air freshener just in case.

Zim's pov

INCOMING IRKEN SPACECRAFT OPENING HANGER DOORS

Well she is here gaz, let's go up to meet her and get her to dib's house, okay zim but don't freak out because of who she is okay? Said gaz. Why who is she? Tak gaz said, I stay silent for the rest of the elevator ride up into the hanger Tak? The one who tried to steal my fake mission is my other sister? Well crap dib is as good as dead now. We arrive at the hanger to great tak and she is as tall as me and gaz are a perfect 6 feet tall maybe a tiny bit shorter, I guess earth elements make irkens grow by just stepping foot on the planet even tenn has gotten taller. Hello tak. Hello zim, gaz, said tak

Tak's pov

It's been a few years hasn't it? Yes it has, said zim. So where will I be living from now on? My brother's house said gaz. Oh you mean dib? How has he been? Yep and the human is good as ever a rich now legal electrical engineer and side paranormal investigator, said zim. Good to hear so is he here or are you taking me to him? We are taking you and mimi to him in the voot cruiser so hop in and I'll fly you over, said gaz. Okay.

a-pov

tak and gaz packed the voot and took off while zim went to call dib and inform him of the new details.

Dib's pov

Tak? She is the one that's coming to live with me? Well I'm screwed she probably hates me for foiling her plans so she might kill me in my sleep good thing I installed a titanium door with 4 bolts and a locking door knob. "knock,Knock" okay that must be them, I got to the door and opened it only to have gaz throw what feels like ton of bricks at me and cause me to fall. Gaz? What was that for? Oh nothing dib just was in a hurry to get back so I threw taks suitcase at you so it would have a cushioned landing instead of breaking on the floor but anyway you two have fun bye dib ,said gaz. Bye oof, cough ugh that hit hard damn… brushing myself off I look up and greet the now irken tak, hi tak um.. how's it going? Good dib, I heard you took precautions against me correct? Asked tak. Um.. yes I did tak. Why? Asked tak it's not like it will ever work I mean we already are mates you do know that right? What? I did not know that when did that happen? I ask her. it happened back in elementary school the day before you stopped me I implanted a chip in your neck to and marked you at the same spot with a small but noticeable bite.

I kind of figured you would never know till now but still even back then I knew you were the one for me so in human terms you're my husband and I'm your wife and we have been for several years congrats dib, tak said. What ugh…. I need to sit down a bit tak your room is over there I'm going to go to mine and sleep a little while to process this new development. Okay then dib good night and tomorrow your mine got it? Said tak. Yep goodnight tak.

a-pov

while tak unpacked her stuff, dib was thinking about these new developments in his life from single, to afraid of making a huge inadvertent mistake, to finding out he's been technically married for years so his mind is pretty much imploding in on itself which causes him to promptly fall asleep.


End file.
